My story begins with a man - tall, dark, handsome, and the gentlest soul I’d ever met. Kevin was the one in every way. We dreamed of a future every time we were together. We were in love and there was no stopping that train. It was in the way he looked at, spoke to, cared about, and said he loved me - every moment we spent in each other's arms and everything he did for me. We had been dating for close to two years when I got pregnant, though we weren't preparing for it. However, our lives changed immediately after finding out and everything became about the life we created - the fruit of our love. But what did we really know? Nothing, as it turned out.

The End of Everything

Unfortunately, you can never plan for every outcome in life and sadly, for us, this was loss. In April last year, I had a miscarriage and it changed everything. I woke up that following morning feeling deep in my heart that everything changed. I felt every inch of my being break and I couldn't think of anything that would restore that. I became hostile and withdrawn, shutting off everyone, including him. In my own stupid way, I think I was shielding myself from the truth. I didn't allow myself to truly experience pain because I didn’t allow myself to feel at all - I went cold and numb.

The Painful Aftermath

I saw Kevin cry after the loss of our baby, which was the only time he showed the pain he was experiencing. I knew he was hurting, though he never said it. I saw the smile fade from his face and the gleam in his eyes die. He could have left or despised me, but he pushed his pain aside to accommodate mine. We both blamed ourselves for it in our own way (him, much more than I). He was always like that - absorbing everyone's pain, guilt and suffering at the expense of his happiness. But being "dead" as I was, I couldn't let him get through to me or else I'd risk feeling the pain buried from knowing my baby was gone and that there was nothing I could ever do to bring him/her back. When I pushed Kevin away, I know I added more pain to his own. I didn't know it at the time but immediately I let him go. I lost two of the most important people in my life. Being the introvert that I am (a loner really), I had no social support to look to. He was my best friend and I couldn’t bring myself to share with anyone else. I found a guy that I latched on just to feel human but that didn't work out so well. Mostly, I felt alone and I am still unsure whether I loved or hated this.

“But for some reason, I am here, and I look forward to what tomorrow holds.”

My Lowest Point

Despite depression, I wouldn't seek help (professional bias on my part). I wanted to die – even went as far as slitting my wrists once, but I was too much of a coward to follow through. I contemplated drugs and alcohol, but I can't seem to take a few shots of vodka or whiskey or anything else without feeling poisoned. Also, the vulnerability associated with it would break down walls I fought to keep up. In every sense that mattered, I stopped living.

An Inexplicable Recovery

Most of you expect a guide to ending the pain or something of that sort. Well, I don't think you can ever end that pain and in a way, writing was more for me than it was for you - selfish but true. I don't know why I suddenly adjusted, took the self-loathing down a notch and became more willing to live. I couldn't tell you if it will get better. I feel the pain every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed. The sound of a child breaks my heart. Kevin's pain, and the guilt I have for letting go of the love of my life, will always be with me. But for some reason, I am here, and I look forward to what tomorrow holds.

The second week of January 2017 felt like an unfamiliar high. I resumed work, and it is currently going well. I started talking to Kevin again and I seem to manage an occasional smile. I'm back at school and making new friends, sometimes it feels like I’m pretending around them.

I honestly don't have answers for you but I truly wish I did.

Pushing Forward Each Day at a Time

Perhaps this is just the light before the setting darkness, or it is the breaking of dawn and the beginning of a new chapter. Certainly, I have been broken beyond my limit. What more could possibly be worse than the loss I experienced? How much worse could life possibly get for me? Therefore, I wait for what may come. As I do that, I vow to try to heal because I think that is what my baby would want; even though I know that I will never get the chance to share that happiness with him/her.